my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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