I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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