I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he puts the penis in happiness.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
