Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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