Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
