i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
