I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
