imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
