just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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