Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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