If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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