Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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