if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
