Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
