my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
