I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
