from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
