Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
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