hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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