she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
