Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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