I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
