Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
