I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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