just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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