My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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