Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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