She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
