We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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