Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
