He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
