i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
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