Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
