Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
