Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
