I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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