Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
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