i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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