i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
