i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
