Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
