They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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