I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
