I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
