I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Oh god it's open bar.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
