I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
