I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
