Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
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