I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
