I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
